Chain Bridge: Budapest, Hungary. 2001.
Some say I live such a charmed life- this may be true, but it came at a high, high price of loss, terror, torture, and pain...and the biggest challenge of all? Through it all- to find my way back again. In my recovery, I had to re-live a lot of the loss, death, sorrow, grief, and pain; the isolation and the loneliness. I had to express my anger, my rage. I sometimes needed to curse, cuss, and swear- to holler, scream, and shout. I had to put myself on the edge of wanting to kill and destroy something and know when to pull back...and in that moment of decision, amidst that great, great pain, to fall on the floor like a rag doll and cry uncontrollably like a baby- sometimes for hours. Sometimes by myself, in a group, or in the presence of someone I trusted the most. Someone who I knew would not judge me, someone who I knew would accept me as I am and when all the deathly wailing stopped- would hold me tight, and tell me: "Everything's going to be alright. You're going to make it. You're going to be okay. You will find happiness again." I thank God continuously for strong people like this, there are many of them out there: there are even angels. When it was my turn to fight back the darkness...God would put in my path the very ones that I needed the most. The ones who had already been through the process and were fully equipped for the battle: the ones who knew how to win the war. The ones who would be my shield bearer, my protector, and my guide. When it was hardest to receive love- the ones whose love had become so pure that it was impossible to resist. This love, that would catch my hatred, rage, pain, and anger, and melt its ugliness- and turn it into something magnificently beautiful. This love that would cause me to see again; cause me to feel again.
Thank you all for "Your Presence" in my life. Thank you for caring. It is my continual delight to share with you truthfully from my heart. Without you, there would be no me: Thank you!
I don't know where you're at in your life, but do more than just hang in there. Who knows...you may have just "One More Bridge to Cross." Many of us are living proof. I'd never imagined in my wildest dreams I would ever live to say, "Wow! Over fifteen years clean and sober." Really, I thought I'd die in my addictions, but God had other plans. He just may for you too!
He's so wonderful.
From my heart to yours, sincerely, Godwin.